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April 8, 2011 at 3:50 pm (Emo)

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Protected: feelingss

July 16, 2007 at 11:54 pm (Emo)

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July 3, 2007 at 12:09 am (Emo)

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June 30, 2007 at 1:52 am (Emo)

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life’s getting stressed

May 17, 2007 at 4:56 am (Emo)

Sometimes I really feel that poly life isn’t that suitable for me. My grades aren’t good at all. I’ve no talent in anything, so lazy and always slacking. It’s really tiring too. 無心向學. AHHH. ):
Life isn’t always smooth sailng. Rawr.
Crap and blahs.
Unhappiness and everything.
On the other hand, I like my wcom class. They’re quite fun and all. 😀
Other classes are alright lohs.
Hate studying.
Hopefully everything will come back to me soon lor.
I want to get a printer.

I miss the times we used to share but no longer do.

DATE/TIME CHECK: 17 MAY 2007 (happy 10 months deardear)/0441
I don’t know when I typed the previous things out but it doesn’t matter anymore.
Thought and remembered this blog. Came back, wanting to blog, because I know, by putting my thoughts here, it’ll most probably not be read by others, except the occasional Shu Xian and Wei Qian, who both clicked on the wrong link. The thing is, why do I still blog here? Why don’t I just password this entry and so it’ll be ignored, forever? Because even I don’t remember the ridiculous passwords I myself set. Perhaps there’s this minor part of me who’s screaming for understanding. It feels really great to be understood, to have someone who’s there, who understands and will not abandon me. I read the comments left and I can get quite emotional, because I’m touched by the friends I have. I’m a lucky girl. Well, maybe not that lucky but at least I have true friends. It’s as though I’m not alone, and am never alone. However, I myself am very clear, what I’m heading towards. Life isn’t always smooth sailing. It’s normal to get that kind of feeling but, I don’t know, it seems to be happening quite often too, even though now I’m in the same class as Wei Qian and Siew Fong. I realised I didn’t really know my friends, so was quite surprised when I did very well for Siew’s lil test in her blog. Friends are for life, it’s time to really get to know them. Everything. The good and the bad.
Previously there was this period of time I had a temporary break with my boyfriend (like, duh, who else right). The thoughts that are running through my mind. Everything. Yet sometimes it’s hard to find someone to share, without the feeling of being a burden to the person. Then I had a couple of friends I’m very close to. The downside is, they’re all guys. And being an attached female, this is a sensitive issue. Boyfriend wouldn’t like it. I restrain myself from being too close. But we’re still close. In terms of thoughts, communication, and everything. I feel like I’ve no freedom having a boyfriend. But I don’t want to lose him either. It’s like, emotional paradox, want and don’t want him around that kinda feeling. I was really confused. Even though things worked out fine eventually, there are boundaries around me now, everywhere, everything and everyone around me. I don’t like this feeling. Relationships are such a sad thing sometimes. But there’s no such thing as perfect relationship. I wouldn’t believe in it either.
I feel like I’ve changed a lot, especially during the time when I entered polytechnic life. I’m tired of change, should I continue changing just for boyfriend? I don’t know, I don’t really want to. Why can’t a guy just accept a girl who usually is closer to guys? Why are human so selfish? I say, because I know I won’t be able to accept my boyfriend being so close to another girl too, unless I’m very sure they’ve nothing going on. I don’t know, can’t be determined till it happens, but I hope I’m the one who has faith and trust in the other party, I don’t like the feeling of being mistrusted so I will trust him. Till the end? I hope. Saying it so confidently now can’t really show, because, afterall, nothing happened yet right.

Wei Qian and Shu Xian, I appreciate you girls a lot. Thanks.

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Many things happened.

March 31, 2007 at 1:51 am (Emo, Ramblings -)

Main thing would be my dad. He’s going to be declared bankrupt. I guess it’s a matter of time. Since long ago. But when we thought everything is turning for the better, well, shit happens. The effect on me wasn’t really that great, maybe because in my mind, I sort of knew this was coming. Someday. I’ve not been taking money from him since the end of O’s, which also significantly marks the end of my secondary school life.
I don’t know. Kind confused. I told Chu Xiang. His reaction was disappointing, and a little stupid. You don’t have to be jobless to be declared bankrupt. All you have to do is to owe fucking loads of money to different sources. Sometimes I really feel that we’re not suited to be together. But I really wish for this relationship to work. Hais. Breaking up is not that huge a matter, but we’re in the same CCA. Thoughts keep racing into my mind. Very very confused. I’ve no time to date either. My mum is not very pro dating. But I really want this relationship to work. HAIS. Is it love? I don’t know. Or maybe the fact that I’ll have to get another boyfriend.
I think… I much prefer the feeling of being 暧昧. It’s funnily interestingly intriguing.
Speaking of which, working is so much better nowadays, with dear (Natalie) and Chee Ming around. The two I’m closer to. Hahaha. And someone freaks me out. OMG. Shall tell this to deardear tomorrow. Miss him so much. I’m sneezing lots. Someone must miss me a lot. Lol.

That’s about all. Nothing much to say. *sigh* Being sick sucks.

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Protected: I’m feeling…

March 23, 2007 at 11:12 pm (Emo)

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there are things that others shouldn’t know

February 8, 2007 at 12:48 am (Emo)

Things doesn’t seem to be improving. My dad seems to be as irresponsible as ever, he doesn’t seem to care much about us either. I was sick, but so what. Other than calling me a lot of times (okay, that’s a display of concern I know) and rushing home to see how I was (that’s under my mum’s ‘orders’ lol), when I wanted to see a doctor he didn’t even offer to drive me and my mum there, much less offer to pay.

Money is the root of all evil, no?

I don’t know. My father’s problems all seem to relate to money. Or his lack thereof, I declare. His irresponsibility adds on. His family? I can only say, I’m glad is HIS family. I certainly don’t really see them as MY family. My mum’s side, definitely. Okay, maybe that’s being unfair, some of his family members are nice too. However, all of them just 见死不救, perhaps only when we all starve to death will they realise that something is wrong and maybe still protect their brother. Little brother, nonetheless. My mum’s the youngest too, she had never faced such 委屈 in her life till she married my dad. It’s all meant to be a tragedy. Can you believe it? Married for more than 18 years, that’s fucking long, and he had NEVER given any allowance to my mum. Until recently, when he needed her help. To buy a car under her name because his name is too tarnished, with the bad debts and all. What the fuck. And now what he did was to delay the payment and my mum has to pay for him because it’s under her name. Asshole. This shouldn’t be the way a daughter sees her father, unfortunately, it is, for me. I’ve never really regarded him as my father since I understood what he did. At a point of time, I suspect he even had an affair with some married woman.
What I don’t understand was, how could a person be so irresponsible and feel nothing? No emotions at all? After all, it was love at first that brought them together, no? Even though they might not have love anymore, I can see my mum standing tall and struggling to keep us alive by working part time. She’s the one paying the bills, she’s the one bringing home food, she’s the one we see when we reach home, she’s the one who has done so much for us, because she’s our mother. I’m starting to tear, that’s a bad sign, I suppose.
Things were well, till my father got addicted to gambling. AND THE FUCKING CREDIT CARDS. There was this period of time whereby a lot of people were owing the credit card companies loads of money? Congrats, my father was one of them. We had to move, downgrade to a four-room flat in order to pay his debts. Managed to make a neat profit AND GUESS WHAT. He took ALL the money AND GAMBLED IT AWAY. Leaving us with nothing. Literally. My mum, out of anger, cancelled their joint account. It was the right thing to do. There wasn’t much trust in them anymore, nothing to trust. My father is a man of words, and no actions. Typical 纸上谈兵 that kind of people.
I knew things were getting from bad to worse, when he had no money and I even had to pay my school fees myself. In secondary school. So glad that my school fees are paid through his CPF now, else I’m dead meat. I really really pity my mum. If it wasn’t for the fact that she only has a family member here, and she doesn’t have much savings, she would have divorced him, or maybe it’s for our future, to complete our education, at least, in Singapore.
My mother is a great figure. I love her. (:
Her birthday’s coming, I hope I’ll be able to get her something decent.
I’ve too much rantings. It can never be finished in a post. Plus, I’m tired. And facing emotional drain. Continue next time. Till then, take care.

OH BTW, I think that’s why my mum is kind of against me having a boyfriend at this age. HAIS. ):

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/ disappointment

October 29, 2006 at 4:35 pm (Chinese, Emo)

Disappointment is probably the most felt emotion this week. Didn’t disclose the password to the previous post to anyone. Don’t ask okay. I was disappointed when I couldn’t make it to BPGHS’ last campfire at the campus beside Bethany home before it’s going to be demolished. I chose to go for my cca. It turns out to be another disappointment. Totally disorganised. There were people who didn’t turn up, simply because they “had something on”. What kind of reason is this, complete crap. As a member of a particular cca, the minimum one can do is to turn up everytime, yet some of them couldn’t even meet this minimum requirement. It leads one to wonder how much exactly do they view their cca as, is it of any importance at all? I’m kind of losing faith in the management. There isn’t even a fixed attendance system. *sighs* Then I got reminded of BPnetball. It wasn’t super organised, but at least people turned up for trainings, sometimes which even I dread, but still turn up. What’s so hard about turning up for Astronomy without valid reasons? I am so disheartened. I wish the netball days whereby the four of us train hard and complain hard together. I miss BPGHS loads. I still can’t believe it that I chose to attend my cca. I don’t even get attendance cca points okay. Really hope something could be done to improve. People with I-don’t-care-less attitude, I can’t really do anything about it. Perhaps a lecture about the importance might do, but it might backfire and people just stopped turning up. Whatever. I should really start to care less. If not I’ll get stressed by irrelevant stuff as well.

It sucks. Stress sucks.
Alright, I’ve to get to work already. I’m starting to like to do tutorials, I’m going insane. Someone save me okay. -.-” So much to do. Research for LMS, perhaps IAC, astronomy. Don’t know what my partners want either. ): So fucked up about everything.

Disappointed in my life, or maybe the people around me. I should stop having such high expectations. The higher the expectations the greater the disappointment. Sometimes I wish life could return to its simple ways when I was still so innocent and unaware of the realistic world.

IF someday a meteor the size of Singapore hits Earth, all of us will perish, just like dinosaurs. And when will that happen? Sometimes I couldn’t help but wish that it comes sooner.

I need to buy more shorts! ): I’m broke! Can’t wait for pay day.

I shall hereby declare, once more, I loathe stupid people.


或许,我应该开始偶尔以华文来记载我生活的一切小细节。 (:

Yes An Qi! That’s my point. Like, wtf right. And what “got something on”. And left at that without further explanation. Or worse would be the mummy thing. Bullshit.
Hehehe Evon, never mind lah. Nice to know that you care! (:

Sudden realisation that so far I’ve been punctual for my lectures! Well, at least, in my part I was in school early. Excluding time spent on waiting for others. And for most tutorials. With the exception of the first LMS and the two French lessons I had so far. X:
I want to go shopping. ): I want that esprit top!

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Protected: / dis –

October 29, 2006 at 1:08 am (Emo)

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